The Space Inside My Name
By Jesse Loesberg
1.
My name
on my tongue
anticipation
of two sweet
syllables
the edgy bounce
of J
promising a leap
into a luscious
vowel
then stopping
and waiting
tugging on my teeth
pushing my tongue
upwards
jumping down
my throat
and lodging---
2.
They ran
in circles
when I tried to speak;
my mother
covering
her ears
my brother
fleeing to his
room
and slamming
the door
cats with their
backs arched
Only my father sat still
in his chair
waiting
to see
if the knife
he used to slice
my words
in half
was lodged
securely
3.
There were people
who tried
word
to trick me
sitting
slow motion
on some
cold table
behind frosted
glass
as if
I'd open my mouth
for just
anyone
4.
the kitchen table
half eaten dinner
sheen of sweat shining
on his scalp
my mother quiet
lips tight and turning
white
a flicker
of dark joy
in my stomach
when I saw I could
slide the knife
out of my mouth
in broad daylight
and drive it
through him
5.
My mother
in the consuming
quiet
between the first
consonant
and the rest of my name
all of this
patience
like her hands
scrubbing potatoes
folding
the warm clothes
again
taking off her shoes
rubbing the soles of her feet
after work
wondering why
all the silence
keeping the question
to herself
6.
Jewish
good looks
legs that run
over thirty miles
each week
above average
intelligence
what if
I changed my name
to silence?
