Struggle for Acceptance

By Dan Wong
(an essay Dan wrote for his freshman English class)

Today is the day of the oral report. Everyone in class has already made their presentation, so I no longer have an excuse for not sharing my material. I slowly raise my hand after the teacher asks if anyone else needs to do the oral. As I scoot the chair back to stand up, my ears begin to turn red hot. My uneasiness only gets worse when I sluggishly walk down the aisle towards the awaiting podium and start to sweat on my hands and forehead. As I look up from the podium, I am startled by the forty pairs of unwavering eyes glaring at me, awaiting to be engrossed by my brilliance.

I find myself having difficulty breathing, almost as if I have forgotten how to. I wipe the sweat off my brow, grab my index cards tightly, and open my mouth to speak. But the words just will not come out as I hit a stuttering block. Those same forty pairs of eyes are gazing at me in wonderment. I avoid their scowls by looking down at my index cards, held by my excessively sweaty hands. The class is remarkably silent, waiting for me to continue. I hastily glance upwards to discover forty increasingly impatient people. Nervously, I attempt to speak again, but again I block. I make a stronger effort to try to spit the words out, only to stutter.

While many are able to relate to the distress involved in public speaking, issues faced by a person who stutters are unique. Anxiety of a stuttering block extends beyond the typical public speaking into the everyday world of phone conversations and ordering fast food. The anxiety I get when in either of the two situations is tremendous. For example, if I am preparing to place a phone call or am waiting in line to order fast food, anxiety builds as I wonder whether I will stutter. This affects my decision-making, which is what makes situations for a person who stutters different from one who does not. I am more likely to order a "number three" combination than a "double bacon cheese burger", which is very difficult to say, especially in a pressure situation. However, since I discovered that I had a speech impediment nine years ago, I have learned to accept it as a part of me.

I first realized I was different than the other students in my class during the fifth grade. While the thirty-four other students in my class could speak aloud in class without any trouble, I was not as fortunate. I noticed that sometimes when I spoke, I would suddenly get stuck on a word that I could not say. During my middle school days, I became shy because trying to hide this quirk of mine was my main concern. The childhood teasing proved to be a traumatic experience. So much so, that if I could avoid speaking aloud in class, I would. I did not want to subject myself to a class full of students laughing at me. I got very frustrated and had very low self- esteem.

I was so upset at my lack of fluency in speech that I thought something was seriously wrong with me. I remember thinking that if I was evergranted one wish, I would not wish to be the richest person in the world or to be the smartest person in the world, but rather I knew with clarity that I would wish I could speak fluently, without any stuttering problem. But no matter how much I wished, it did not come true. Instead, one thing that kept me motivated was my high grades. I was always among the top students in my class. However, even my grades could not compare to the moral support I got from my mother.

My mother supported me greatly during this difficult time. With a suggestion from my pediatrician to see a psychologist, my mom immediately called up our insurance company to ask whether I would be covered. After the company agreed that seeing a psychologist for my speech impediment was covered, my mom helped me make an appointment. Since I still did not know why I was unable to speak fluently, this experience opened a new world to me. Finally, I could talk to someone about my frustrations and problems.

In seeing the psychologist, I learned a lot about my lack of fluency. I learned that what I had was a documented disability. Before meeting my psychologist, I never knew what I had was a disability nor did I know that anyone else had this problem. However, I also found out that stuttering cannot be cured. I learned techniques that were supposed to allow me to be more articulate. Using these methods helped me be more fluent. Sometimes could go for days without stuttering once. Other times I would have a relapse and stutter quite often. Furthermore, I noticed the techniques were more effective in clinical situations, like when I met with my psychologist, than in real-world situations.

Beginning high school, I felt I could start anew with a clean slate because not many students from my middle school attended my high school. However, during the second semester of my freshman year in high school, I experienced the worst discrimination I have ever encountered, in regards to my disability. My history instructor was always visibly annoyed when I stuttered in class, while reading text or answering a question aloud. One time, she called on me to read my answer to a homework question out loud in class. I began to read my answer, but then I began to stutter. My instructor became very impatient with me and called on the another student in the class to answer the same question, even though I was still speaking. I felt very embarrassed. I knew that I was discriminated against and not given the same treatment as other students. This was a set-back for me because I believed that my stuttering impeded on my ability to succeed in school.

However, I soon realized the potential I have in being a productive individual that I will not be able to recognize unless I changed my self-defeating attitude. I forced myself to confront my disability head-on. I decided to take journalism classes in my high school to force myself to communicate with others in ways I normally would be too afraid to do. I had to conduct many interviews with fellow students, as well as school administrators and school district officials. Journalism helped me overcome my fear of speaking, and, in addition, I became more social and outgoing.

Ever since I took journalism, I have realized I do not have to hide the fact that I have a speech impediment. Contrarily, I have learned that I feel more comfortable with my audience, especially in a classroom situation if I let the cat out of the bag before I spoke. By advertising my stuttering, I no longer feel as if I am running away or trying to hide my problems, and I find that my listeners tend to be more sympathetic to my disability.

I have learned that self-acceptance has pushed me a long way in my struggle to discover who I am. No one is perfect, and everyone must realize their short-comings. But these must not get in the way of one's goals in life. One must confront these obstacles head-on, learn to accept them, and to build from your broadened understanding of yourself.