Interview with Marty Jezer

Stuttering: A Life Bound Up in Words
Marty Jezer
Small Pond Press, c 1997

Small Pond Press
22 Prospect Street
Brattleboro, VT 05301
(802) 254-9595
http://www.smallpondpress.com

1. As a child growing up, you identified yourself as a "stutterer", which had a negative impact on your self-esteem. For example, you were popular, had many friends and were a good athlete. Yet, if you had a bad day in baseball and struck out, you would think and feel "I struck out because I am a stutterer and a loser." Later in life you learned to think of yourself as "a person that stutters." This is more than a matter of semantics.

Could you please explain the difference between the two terms, and tell my readers what impact making that distinction had on your self-image?

On the one hand, young people need to gain strength and awareness to understand "sticks and stones..." More important than what others think of you is what you think of yourself. I was able to ward off the insults of others when they made fun of my stuttering. But I also knew there was some truth in what they said. Stuttering was not normal speech. I felt hurt and shame. And I carried this hurt deep within me. Learning to call myself "a person who stutters" rather than a "stutterer" can be dismissed as playing on semantics. But it is a useful lesson, something to keep as part of one's self-awareness and understanding. Yes, I might be someone who stutters but that is not the sum total of who I am. I am so many other things as well. I've got so many positive attributes: Good student, friend, athlete, talented, etc. etc. Everyone can make a list of his or her own. Once this is understood, has become part of one's consciousness, the distinction between "stutterer" and "person who stutters" becomes less important. I know who I am. Being called "a stutterer" doesn't damage the identity and esteem I've created for myself, as something more that the disfluent sounds that come out of my mouth.

2. A very poignant part of your book, for me, was when you described your fear that your daughter Katherine was developing a stutter. You were horrified to think that you had passed your affliction on to her. Yet, when you were confronted with her apparent disfluencies, you had the emotional strength and presence of mind to react in a positive manner.

Could you please describe to parents how you responded to your daughter, and why it is important to try to keep a "cool head?"

A lot of us have come to accept our stuttering. We no longer feel shame and no longer think we have to keep silent lest others see us stutter. But still, most of us fear having a child who also stutters. This was my great concern when I had my child. I was worried she would stutter and was apprehensive waiting for her first words.

It's not true, as Dr. Wendell Johnson said and, though his influence, many pediatricians think, that stuttering is caused by the way parents react to normal developmental disfluency. But it is certain that the reactions of parents and other adults can make a child's stuttering better or worse. Because of my participation in stuttering self-help groups, as well as my reading on the subject, I knew that the best way for an adult to respond to their child's disfluency is with patience and love, and to not make an issue of it or in any way, verbally or by facial impression, indicate that he or she might have a problem or that there is something wrong with the way he or she is speaking.

One day when my daughter Katie was still learning to speak she started repeating her words. It was clear indication of stuttering. My heart sank, but because of my knowledge, I remained calm, didn't take notice of her speech. I also started speaking slower in response. I was totally devastated, thinking that I had passed on my stuttering to her. But she was lucky, as was I. This incident passed. She never stuttered again, and, in fact, is quite a talker -- as a high school student she even had her own disc jockey show on our local community radio station.

The important thing with a child who stutters is not treat it as something shameful or bad; or something they should feel bad about. If the symptoms continue, have them evaluated by a speech pathologist trained to work with stuttering. (Most SLPs have no experienced in this specialized field). But in the home, the way to help is to monitor your own speech. Slow up, don't interrupt, let them say what they are going to say, don't draw attention to their disfluency either verbally or, more important, with facial expressions. It's easier to deal with the physical manifestations of stuttering. It's much more complicated having to deal with the psychological impact of stuttering, the feelings of shame and humiliation.

The feeling of shame, unlike the reality of the disfluent speech, is a learned behavior, a result of the child perceiving how the world reacts to his or her disfluent speech. A patient and loving response can minimize the psychological aspect of a child's stuttering problem.

3. You spent a large part of your life in denial about the impact stuttering had on you and your life. Sometimes you were silent, and participated in social events hanging on the periphery. Other times you spent huge amounts of time and energy avoiding situations where other would likely discover that you stutter. For example, you would spend days studying a girl's schedule and making an elaborate plan to meet her somewhere "accidentally" so you could ask her for a date. Calling her on the phone was out of the question, because you almost always stutter on the phone. Dialing her number was intimidating to you, and produced a lot of anxiety and fear.

What was it like for you emotionally to live like that?

Avoidance behaviors, finding ways to be in the world without speaking, is one of the most debilitating aspects of stuttering. Events and activities that fluent people take for granted are exhausting challenges for many of us who stutter. I wasted so much time worrying and plotting, obsessing, really, on things like having to make a telephone call. Life was a verbal obstacle course and the barriers often seemed insurmountable.

When/how did you get from a place of denial to one of acceptance?

Very gradually (Rome wasn't built in a day). I did it by observing how others did it. But people have to find their own way. Some get it out of books, gurus, motivational speakers. I have always had my eye on the way people I respect live their lives. I met stutterers who were not ashamed of their stuttering and tried to 1) emulate them and 2) see their accomplishments as my challenge. In the self-help movement there are a lot of people who have come to accept themselves and their stuttering. I kept my eye on them and learned.

What difference has developing a self-accepting attitude made in your life?

A total difference. I no longer agonize or even think much of my stuttering. I have to speak, I do so, without any stressful anticipation. What a relief that is. To be honest, there are still public speaking situations where the old stress comes out. E.g., being interviewed on the radio. But that doesn't happen often. In everyday situations, my speech is not an issue.

4. I really want to understand children who stutter. Please tell me:

In a general way, what was daily life like for you as a young child who had a severe stutter?

On the one hand life was good. I had friends and did well in school. But there was always an underlying fear that I would be called upon in class or meet and have to speak to someone who didn't know I stuttered. That fear was a constant.

How did stuttering make you think and feel about yourself?

I had self-esteem and a strong self-identity but it was easily compromised. As long as I could remain in areas where speaking didn't matter (playing sports, hanging out with friends in situations where they carried the conversation, in class where I wasn't expecting to be called on) I felt wonderful. As soon as I was put in a situation where speech mattered, my esteem plummeted. Instantly, then I hated myself, hated my speech and hated having to be in social or challenging situations.

What behaviors and attitudes did you adopt to help you cope with the pain and frustration of having a severe stutter?

Denial. As soon as I felt down I did everything that I could to forget about that situation. I moved on in order to escape the bad feelings. This was a good short-term coping mechanism, but I never dealt with the problem and never moved through the bad feelings. I just tried to put them out of mind.

In the long run, do you feel these coping mechanisms helped, or did they hinder you?

Hard to say, I am what I am and one can't go back. I think my tactic of denial worked to get me through the difficult times. But I carried a lot of baggage into adulthood that I had to deal with. It would have been good to have someone to talk to, a counselor or a speech therapist, who was sympathetic to what I was going through. Best of all would have been a self-help group in which I could havew talked about my speech to other kids and learned that it was OK to be open about it.

5. A child who stutters needs a lot of encouragment and support. Please tell my readers:

What kind of home environment can a family provide that would lessen the stress levels of a child that stutters?

What my parents did right was giving me a lot of support and encouragement for the things I liked to do and for activities that I did well at. Sports, for one; and just hanging out with friends. They really encouraged me to have friends. What they did poorly was model good speaking habits and bring me into their own discussions about stuttering. Parents should try and slow their speech down, not so it's artificial but so it's relaxed. They should be patient listeners and monitor their facial expressions, so as not to convey impatience, frustration or any other negative feelings. They should role model conversational speech, not interrupt one another and give everyone time to get in a word or complete a thought. And parents never never should talk about their child's stuttering when he or she is in earshot, or in the same room. Hearing them whisper about it is worse than hearing it. It conveys the idea that stuttering is so awful it can't be discussed openly. It should be discussed openly with the child; or if between the parents in a private venue, someplace the child isn't.

What advice can you give a teacher who has a stuttering student in her class?

There's a lot of different opinions on this. I'd go on the on-line discussion group, stutt-l (access it on the Stuttering Home Page) and ask the question. Certainly, the teacher ought to be advised and should be asked to have patience, etc. The Stuttering Foundation of America has good literature on this. The controversial question is how much pressure to put on the student in oral reading and report. To not call on a child may be a relief to the child but will make him or her feel inadequate. To treat the child normally may make class stressful; due to anxiety about being call on. If possible talk to the child about the topic.

Stuttering Foundation of America
3100 Walnut Grove Road, #603
Memphis, TN 38111
Voice: (901) 452-7343
Fax: (901) 452-3931
Toll-Free: (800) 992-9392
E-mail: stutter@vantek.net
Internet: http://www.stutteringhelp.org

6. Please, speak from your heart. Imagine that you are talking to a school age child that stutters.

What advice and encouragement could you give them?

First, this is something you do, not who you are. Everyone has difficulties, some people are smarter than others, some are too thin or two tall, or awkward or hard of hearing. Ain't none of us perfect. Stuttering is neither your fault or your parent's. Nor is it an indication of intelligence. It's simply a problem you were born with and if you want to work on it you can learn how to speak better. There are also organizations and on-line chat rooms for people just like you. Lots of people stutter and sometimes its fun to meet them or to talk online with them all over the world. Whatever it is you like to do, you should do it and enjoy it. If there's something you want to do but are afraid of doing because you stutter, accept it as a challenge and approach it a step at a time. If might be hard at first, but the more you accept the challenge of doing it, the easier it will become. If you talk to other kids who stutter you'll find that you all have the same challenges.

Discussion Forums, E-Publications, Newsgroups and Bulletin Boards, Pen Pal Opportunities, and Chat Rooms http://www.mnsu.edu/comdis/kuster/Internet/Listserv.html

Stutter Buddies
A newsletter put out by the National Stuttering Association four times a year.
For children ages 6-12.
For more information see http://www.mnsu.edu/comdis/kuster/kids/sbuddies.html

Friends
A bi-monthly publication for young people that stutter.
Published by Friends:National Association of Young People Who Stutter
For more info see http://www.friendswhostutter.org/

7. I am sure it must be difficult to be the parent of a child that stutters. Watching a child struggle to speak can be very painful. Later on, a child may have social, emotional or academic problems. A parent can have very real fears that their child may never marry, hold a job, or fit in with the rest of society. Some parents feel they are to blame that their child stutters, and have to deal with feelings of guilt. Sometimes years of time and huge amounts of money are invested in speech therapy programs, counseling, and searches for the latest promising "cure." In the end, some parents have to accept their child won't outgrow their stuttering. Their problem will remain, in varying degrees, throughout their whole lifetime.

What advice can you give parents that will help them bear up under the stress of having a stuttering child?

Get involved with self-help and support groups go to their conventions and talk to other parents. Your child is not alone and neither are you.

American Speech-Language-Hearing Association
10801 Rockville Pike
Rockville, MD 20852
Voice: (301) 897-5700
TTY: (301) 897-0157
Toll-Free: (800) 638-8255
Fax: (301) 571-0457
E-mail: actioncenter@asha.org
Internet: http://www.asha.org

Discussion Forums, E-Publications, Newsgroups and Bulletin Boards, Pen Pal Opportunities, and Chat Rooms http://www.mnsu.edu/comdis/kuster/Internet/Listserv.html

Are there any self-help groups and organizations they can turn to?

The Stuttering Home Page lists organizations, as does the resource page in the back of the book. The NSA (National Stuttering Association) has chapters that meet twice a month all over the country. The annual conventions of the NSA, Speak Easy, the Canadian groups (and groups all over the world) are life-changing experiences for stutterers, spouses and parents.

The Stuttering Homepage
Email: judith.kuster@mnsu.edu
Just for Kids section
Just for Teens section

National Stuttering Association
4071 East La Palma Avenue
Suite A
Anaheim Hills, CA 92807
Voice: (714) 693-7480
Toll-Free: (800) 364-1677
Fax: (714) 630-7707
E-mail: nsastutter@aol.com
Internet: http:// www.nsastutter.org

Speak Easy International Foundation, Inc.
233 Concord Drive
Paramus, NJ 07652
Voice/Fax: (201) 262-0895
E-mail: bob-antoinette@worldnet.att.net

8. There is an old saying that every cloud has a silver lining.

Can you think of any positive lessons you have learned from being a person that stutters?

I've met wonderful people through the NSA, Friends, CAPS and Speak Easy. What I used to most hate about myself (my speech) has become a source of pride, not in the way I speak but in how I've overcome the shame and fear of it and in what role I can play to help others.

Has coping with a severe stutter made you more compassionate towards other people? More self-aware? A better communicator in some ways? etc.

I think I'm more aware and compassionate than I might otherwise be simply because I've had to confront some big frustrations and deal with heavy emotional baggage. To understand the progress I've made is a great feeling. Some of my friends say they are glad they stutter because of what they've become in the world. I'm not sure that I'd go that far. I wish I were more fluent and also as good a basketball player as Michael Jordan. But as my musician friends might say, I don't have the chops; i.e., the physical gifts to be a great basketball star or a wonderfully fluent speaker. That's life and who's perfect. The fact is I'm a good speaker, having lots to say and can hold an audience and, yes, sometimes I stutter when I speak, block on words and make funny faces. But people listen!