Snapchat and Heart Hurt: A Mother's Journey with a Suicidal Teen

How did I miss the signs? What do I do now? My sweet baby girl, how your heart must hurt…. How do I talk to her about this???

A million things raced through my head within seconds after my daughter’s doctor came out to speak to me in the waiting room.

A crack in my heart formed when I heard the words “Your daughter let me know she has thought about committing suicide on a couple different occasions.”

Wait… What…?

You need to tell me more than that! Where is she? Is she ok? Can I go see her, hug her, take away all her pain?!?! I failed her as a mom, I’m supposed to KNOW when she’s not happy, I’m supposed to KNOW if something is off….

But I did see things. I did have a “I wonder if something is up” cross my mind when I looked back. But she’s a teenager…weren’t the things I saw ‘normal’ for a teen to be? Tired, crabby, not wanting to go do things, on their phone far too much…. Why didn’t I say something? Why didn’t I ask her? Did I ask her, and she answered with something to ‘cover up’ her sadness?

It all came down to cell phones and Snapchat. The screen world is such an easy option to say things to a person, most likely you could never actually say to their face, but gives individuals the power to be hurtful without being in the same room… 

I knew she got bullied by individuals for not smoking, not vaping, not having sex, not drinking, not doing all the ‘cool’ things that are terrible for a person (of any age). That I knew. That she told me about. That we talked in depth about. 

That she could handle. 

What she couldn’t handle is very close friends turning on her because they found additional friends who didn’t like her, so they convinced her friends to turn on her. They all would send her unkind and hurtful snapchats. They would be cruel and exclude her from things she used to be a part of at lunch, in class, and after school.

The group of them included two guys and two girls. Two had been very close friends with my daughter, one was a distant but still nice friend and the fourth one…she’s the one that convinced the others to be cruel. Why? I don’t know. My daughter didn’t know either.

One of these boys had come to our house often, sat and had dinner with us, watched movies with us, played board games with us. It took all my momma strength to not drive to his house (I knew his parents) and have a discussion with him and ask if he realized what he and this group was doing to my daughter. Did he have ANY idea that their cruelty led her to want to drive her car off the road on multiple occasions… aiming for a tree or a steep ditch? HOW could he turn on her? 

In the end, I was not the one that talked to that one specific, used to be close friend. In the end, it was my daughter who stood up for herself and talked to him. 

But it wasn’t simple, and it wasn’t easy, and it took time. 

It broke my heart that my daughter spoke up to someone beside me. She’s my mini-me, she’s my go-to girl for all things. We DID talk, all the time, about lots of things! But this huge hurt she couldn’t share with me. Why? I don’t know. But I am beyond thankful that she chose to say something to her doctor. Literally minutes after I was excused from the room so they could do her exam. She spoke to someone. I’m so proud of her that she shared her hurt vs. acting on her hurt like she had thought of doing so many times prior. 

After the doctor told me what my daughter had shared with her, I literally ran into her exam room and just hugged her tight, sobbing, promising her I would be with her every single step of the journey. I told her that I loved her…repeatedly…relentlessly… 

The next day we talked to our pastor who gave us the name of counselor the church had a great relationship with. We were lucky. We got in within a couple days and immediately had weekly visits scheduled, for her, for her and I, and just for me. The individual was AMAZING. He and my daughter connected, and she was able to open up to him. She blossomed.

I hear stories now that some wait weeks, months, or even up to a year to get in to be seen. HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW is that ok????!!!! I cannot imagine having to wait any longer than we did….  

Within a few months my daughter stood up for herself. She connected with all four of the individuals who mistreated her and asked the WHY question… to each of them… in person…. She got her three friends back. The instigator of the bullying, well, she will most likely never change. She gave no excuse as to why, gave no apology, gave zero of anything. 

This happened to my daughter her junior year of high school. She is now a very successful adult. We talk about this time in high school once in a while, not to drag up old heart hurts but to realize how much she’s grown, how she copes with cruddy situations with individuals who are unkind, and to remind her she is BEAUTIFUL both inside and out. The world just would not be the same without her in it. She still goes to a counselor, by her own choosing, but it keeps her grounded.

But, I cannot say that cell phones are horrible. Is technology bad? Is technology good? Like most anything, it can be used for wonderful and unfortunately, also for horrible things. 

I was going to take my daughter’s cell phone but when I brought it up to her, she fell apart. Now, I know you’re thinking, EVERY teen would fall apart if you took their cell phone, but this was different. This wasn’t a temper tantrum kind of falling apart, it was a literal heart panic falling apart.

SO… we talked. I asked her to explain. It took her a bit, but she finally fessed up that if it wasn’t for having her cell phone, she wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for that kind friend and a network of a close few others responding to her messages and calls when she needed them most, she wouldn’t be here. It was her friends that grounded her the times she wanted to hurt herself, the times she wanted to drive her car off the road. Having that instant lifeline in a moment of immense heart hurt, pulled her back to stop her from hurting herself. She needed access to good and kind friends just as much as she needed to be shielded from the hurtful individuals. 

SO… I allowed her to keep her cell phone. BUT, I also got the contact information of all her friends she considered to be her ‘rocks’. I knew them all but never had their numbers. I became their Snapchat friend. We all became her garden of rocks so to speak. And we also all stayed connected so if one was reached out to by her, we all agreed to inform the others so we could all be there for her. Thank goodness for that group of rocks…thank goodness for technology. 

There is no absolute answer to “Do this and your child won’t be hurt by technology”. My best suggestion is to BE THERE for your child, literally and figuratively. Remind them they are loved, remind them how wonderful they are, be patient with them and let them know you see them.