I Have Many Things Yet To Say (A Stutterer's Lament)

By James Harker, Jr.

If I see you on the street one morning,
I may wave, salute, or just nod my head.
Oh, but on the inside, I am screaming
All of the things I wish I could have said.
From age four, I have been plagued with a hell
That leaves scars deeper than burn marks on skin.
All of my bleeding comes from my poor soul,
As I shed my hot tears from deep within.
My mouth and my throat are like a prison,
But I have long ago lost any key.
Dear friend, I have many things yet to say,
But the words quickly die, along with me.

You may have fears of airplanes, heights, or death;
But my fear is a ringing telephone.
Do you know what that does to someone's life?
It makes them feel so much worse than alone.
Sometimes, it is hard to face the morning,
Knowing I'm in for one more sleepless night.
Each day feels like a giant boxing match,
Yet I have long since given up the fight.
Sometimes, I ponder the reasons for why
Happiness can't be bought, but is not free.
Dear friend, I have many things yet to say,
But the words quickly die, along with me.

Tape your mouth shut for a day with duct tape,
And see how my silent days really feel.
When my mouth makes sounds, it just re-opens
My old wound that can never seem to heal.
I do not want to hear that old lecture,
Because I know my life is worse than yours.
I can try to smile, but what's the point?
You are the person everyone adores.
From a pretty woman to a bus-stop,
To a small toddler on his father's knee;
Dear friends, I have many things yet to say,
But the words quickly die, along with me.

Do not take me wrong here for a second;
I was not brought up to whine or place blame.
But it's inhuman not to feel anger
When you can not pronounce your own damn name.
I do not wish for many things in life;
Just a job, some food, and a place of rent.
And I take joy in the fact that I am
Not alone in this stutterer's lament.
But sometimes, I close my eyes and wonder
Of a life where I was happy and free.
Oh God, I have many things yet to say,
But the words are silent - and will always be...